Looks like my posts are getting more personal, huh? I haven't see Loiuse recently. She's probably busy with her EASL classes. Yes, I'm still lonely. But that doesn't matter. I'm staying strong, but somehow the surface of my heart is scratched. In those quiet, stressful months, I waited for Ivy or any other friend back home to pop in online to chat. Unfortunately, nothing happened. I begin to have mood swings lately, and it's not due to menstruation. I have nightmares that I will lose my friends, and I have visions that will create sad stories of girls losing their old friends. I even have visions that true love can never happen, it's another story, I know everlasting romance don't exist in reality. Anyway, staring at a blank screen on Whatsapp on my phone just bothers me. I didn't know that loneliness could be this painful. Back when I was a kid, I've experienced loneliness, and I have no problem about it, well except the part of being bullied. But now...when it comes to being isolated, negative emotions just come to me, like a sword that is dragged straight through my chest. Loneliness also caused to lose faith. Realizing that there's no brother or sister in church who has the time to talk to me makes me think that God doesn't grant me company..or something.
Haha. I know I should have focused on my school work now. But here's what I think. A conversation has limits. Either short of long. You can't possibly have a 24-hours conversation with a person every single day, right? I wish this could happen, but there's no way I can stay awake all night to chat. We all have responsibilities, and it's hard for us to find spare time to keep in touch with our loved ones. When a word or a sign is given that symbolizes a conversation to be stopped, it kind of gives me a sad feeling that the dialogue is over. A conversation can be continued the next day, or another day. A conversation is..like a long line of boundaries. It's blocked by a gap of silence, and then it's continued by another wave. And when a conversation is stopped, I would feel like a friendship bond has been broken. We're not that close now, thanks to my separateness. I'm not happy of being all alone here, and the longer I've lived here, the more I realize that I've changed. I've become critical, especially in creative writing. I've turned back to the antisocial girl I once were. However, I voice out my opinions in class like once or twice every week, and sometimes I freeze for giving the wrong answer. Still, that's how a little confidence is built in me. I would eventually pretend that I'm wearing a mask so that no one can see my face, like in English class when I act out a scene while wearing a mask. You can't feel anything when you wear a mask. You will feel that you're a whole new person and your true self has become invisible. Amazing, isn't it? I want to change myself, but changing a big part of myself will cause trouble.
There's a lot I want to pour out from the deepest part of my heart here. I wonder when will a smile finally come to me.
