It's all up to myself

For the past two years or more, I've always hoped that I would follow a creative path. But people have been putting expectations on me to be on the safe line. My family and teachers praised me for having a somewhat stable job in Japan, but I'm not happy with where I am now. Maybe all I think about is why am I not ending up in my ideal life. I envy people who commit their time to pursue their biggest dreams in the creative field. They do whatever they want, and they are happy with where they are now. I honestly don't want to talk to my parents about my job or anything because I know that they'll ask me the same questions every time I catch up with them on weekends. I don't feel like keeping in touch with my old friends because I don't feel like sharing what I've been doing. I've been trying hard not to fall into the pit of misery by focusing on what I love on weekends. However, two days of me-time is not enough for me to accomplish anything. I can only manage to write my novel once a week. I can only focus on learning Korean once a week. I can only create a bullet journal layout once a month. I want more time to focus on my personal goals. 8 hours of working outside of my passions drain me so darn much. I don't really look forward to working every single day because I get tongue-tied and stutter when I speak in front of students at least once a week. It's really embarrassing and I can't bear looking at the kids snickering or looking at me with surprised and awkward looks. I wish I shouldn't have listened to my parents and been a goody-two-shoes or a people pleaser. 

However, I came across Cafe Maddy's podcast today.

Cafe Maddy Podcast (Episode 2)

In this episode, she talked about her full-time job as a dentist and side job as a content creator. I first found her through Tiktok. I love how aesthetically-beautiful her cooking videos are. And when I found out that she posted longer vlogs on YouTube, I subscribed to her channel right away. I'm impressed by how well-made her videos are despite the fact that she has an 8-hours-a-day job. Anyway, in this podcast episode, Maddy talked about how she managed to balance her dentist life and content creator life. She would find whatever free time she has to cook, make videos, and do what she loves. She doesn't really like her dentist job, but it's her personal projects that keep her going in her life. She would be comforted and energized by her commitment to cooking and connecting with people. I can totally relate to this. I love weekends and public holidays more than working days because I get to focus on what I love: writing, learning Korean, watching YouTube, designing bullet journal spreads, learning new creative writing techniques, immersing in my fangirl mode about Super Junior @ my ultimate K-Pop group, and connecting with my fellow Super Junior fan friends. I feel alive whenever I'm alone in my apartment and commit all of my free time indulging in these things. Maybe life doesn't have to be all about converting my hobbies and passions into full-time careers. I may be sour and hopeless about my not-so-perfect performance in my current job as an ALT (Assistant Language Teacher) in Japan, but my job doesn't define who I really am. I don't have to lean onto validation from my family or anyone else about how "successful" I look. If I enlighten my days with things that make me happy, that's more valuable than just going into the neutrality of what life is like on the surface. I feel that, as a teacher, I'm one of those emotionless employees who drag themselves by the force of society to work for money and "success". But as a writer, artist, K-culture enthusiast, and dreamer with goals yet to achieve, I hope that one day I'll be able to live my dream life. 

This is just a slice of what I've been inner-monologing for a hot minute. Since I haven't blogged in a while, I'll post more reflective thoughts here very soon.