If You See Me (Introversion/INFJ)

If You See Me

If you see me

wearing a poker face

while listening to music and staring into space,

I'm indulged in my own mental world,

reflecting on past actions and experiences,

and thinking about what I should do 

to improve myself and

to make my future self proud. 

If you see me

locking myself in my room after a tiring day at work,

I'm like a phone that just died. 

Solitude is my charger:

social media, warm cup of tea, favourite tunes, and comfy bed.

This way, my physical, social, and mental batteries can be recharged. 

If you see me 

scowl at music or noise that I hate

I hope you'll understand that I'm sensitive to unpleasant sounds.

If I avoid large groups or social events,

I wish you would acknowledge my cold attitude,

for I can't fit in this verbal society. 

If you see me doubting on why I'm different,

I hate being in this extroverted world,

because I feel that my speech doesn't cooperate with your hearing

and my view of the world is far different from yours

so why would you force me to think like you

or even be like you?

If you see me
hiding in a corner,
I want you to leave me alone for a little while
for I'm contemplating whether my flaws are as valuable as my strengths
or whether my appearance is as glowing as yours.
Your criticism is like a spear piercing my confidence away,
and I can't help but belittling myself.

If you see me
consoling a dear friend,
I'm that person who is there to hear complaints and troubles,
and I'll lend my shoulder for him or her to cry on,
or I'll wrap my arms round him or her to hug.
I'll do my best to give advice,
and it's an introversive trait I'm proud of.

If you see me
writing or drawing,
that means my creative mind and soul are activated.
Inspiration vitalizes me to rekindle imagination that was once lost,
and that's why I want to reach out to people with my inner voice.

So if you see me
in a cafe
with a cup of matcha latte, a notebook, and a laptop,
please do not invade my bubble,
for I'm just being myself. 

*           *          *

Being an INFJ...

Hey all! Long time no post! >.< The poem above is inspired by Debbie Tung's graphic novel called "A Quiet Girl In A Noisy World", Myers Briggs's personality test, and a good number of videos about introversion from a YouTube channel called "Psych2Go". Thanks to all these awesome online sources, I'm able to understand more about myself. When I got my result from Myers Briggs's test, I thought I'm the only INFJ (advocate) that exists in this planet. But it turns out that a good friend of mine is also an INFJ! And Debbie Tung, the author of the graphic novel, is also an INFJ. Even though the description from Myers Briggs's website says that only 1-2% of the world's population are INFJ's, I have a feeling that there's a lot more INFJs that I expect, because I have a feeling that we're hiding away from the chit-chat society, but at the same time, we want to share our opinions and masterpieces with someone. We're starving for constant improvement. We don't want to doubt ourselves all the time, and so we want to keep on growing and changing so that we can be a better version of ourselves. 

I honestly feel like the world is expecting all humans to be extroverts. What I mean is ever since I was young, I think people don't understand my introversive self. Whether I'm in school or social events, everyone expects me to be social. In school, every student is to raise their hands whenever they know an answer to a question, or a question they're not afraid to ask in the middle of a lesson. The worst part is group activities and oral presentations are compulsory, and even though these things are one of my worst nightmares, I have no choice but to suck it up. I make sure that I've prepared at least a script or a set of flash cards so that I can be reminded about my key points and supporting points. What I find discouraging about myself is that I'm not as intelligent as all of the other students, because everyone around me have facts and impromptu ideas absorbed in their heads and are always ready to share with the class. I, on the other hand, is the only one who listens and stares at my chicken scrawls. This is somewhat embarrassing, because I think I don't know how to contribute verbally or better word, socially, in front of a group of people. And I think I'm always the abnormal one in class. Same goes to social events. I've tried to avoid big parties, clubs, and church conferences as much as I can, because even though I can do small talk, I don't know how to extend those casual conversations. Every single time. Plus, I have no interest on hanging out in these public places, or should I say, an extrovert's ideal getaways. I can't even squeeze in a group discussion, because I can't think of anything to say, or if I do, I can't find the right time to blurt it out even though I've repeated my words in my head more than five times.

Some people even hurt my feelings, because comments about me being quiet and not social enough are just as painful as a stab in the heart. They told me that they were shy when they were young, but as they got older, they force themselves to be more social so that they can break free from their fear of speaking. They even ask me why I'm too shy, too scared to speak, not even asking questions, not having a good sense of humour, or not even saying anything. I think they don't want to feel left out...maybe that's why they've became extroverts. I wish I can be like them, the kind of people that are brave enough to destroy their silent selves and to blend in the loud, cheerful, enthusiastic, energetic, talkative planet Earth. And for those people who criticize on the way I behave in society, I wish I can just erase them away from my head...or even my life. However, those criticism stays as wounds of my past.

"One size fits all" doesn't exist in an introvert's dictionary. Introverts prefer to be in a quiet, serene environment. Like nature. Or for me personally, I love allowing my creative juices flow when I'm in a cafe with both interior and food aesthetics. And when there's noises hovering around the room, I'll put my earbuds on and play whatever songs that please me. Introverts need space and time to reflect on their thoughts and actions. They want to spread their wings in fantasy realms whirling in their heads, and spilling creativity onto canvas. They may be uncomfortable to speak in front of people, but they want to show to the world that their opinions matter. They will find a way to reach out to people with their written words or visuals. Our minds are made up of a constantly expanding puzzle, because there will always be a new slot saved for a building block of idea to be inserted into. And that building block will inspire us to develop new skills for us to improve ourselves.

There are times when I think that I'm a mistake and a failure, because I'm not as extroverted as the others around me. But...I'm still living. I'm still breathing. I am writing this post (a super personal post) on my blog right at this hour. And I'm still growing even though I'm already...ahem...25. Looking back to where I am now, I remember the times when I listen to a friend's story and I give the best advice/opinion I can think of to that friend, because I want to help that friend. What this extroverted world is missing out of is listeners, and introverts, including myself, should be proud that they are listeners that can be depended on. Hearing is sharing, and sharing is caring ;). I shouldn't feel pressured by people that I should "speak more" or "be social", because being me is normal. Being me makes me feel special.

Lastly, if you're interested in finding out about your Myers Briggs personality, you can take the free 16 personalities test here: https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test. And as always, see you in the next post! <3